Badassssssssss Bible Quiz

So you got top scores on all the other Bible quizzes.  It’s time for a real challenge this time.  And you get to find out just how much you don’t rate compared to the tough guys (and gals) in the Bible.

How many Philistine foreskins did David cut off (that means he had to touch them) to marry Saul’s daughter?  Extra credit: Write an essay about what you think Saul did with them after he received them.

1. 100
2. 50
3. 1000
4. 200

Who had every male descendant of Ahab killed, and just how many children did he do away with, before he had their heads piled up in two heaps?

1. Manassah, 200
2. Jehu, 70 
3. Elisha, 100
4. James, 97

Who boasted to his wives that he would kill a boy for hitting him (temper, temper…)?  And how many wives did he have?

1. Lamech, 2
2. Philemon, 3
3. Jacob, 4
4. Solomon, 1000

Who invited a neighboring king to dinner, laid him to rest on a comfy pillow, and just after he fell asleep, hammered a tent peg through his skull?  Extra credit: What kind of pain reliever should you give him for his headache in the morning?

1. Jezebel
2. Jasmine
3. Jael
4. Zipporah

Which judge stuck his short sword into the king’s noble blubber and the rolls of fat swallowed it up, then he got away by telling the guards outside the door that the king was taking a dump?

1. Barak
2. Gideon
3. Sampson
4. Ehud

Who got ticked off at a neighboring prince for raping their sister, so invited all of his town to get circumcised, waited till they were good and in pain and wiped out the lot of them by the sword?  Extra credit: Guess which body part they cut off first?

1. Levi and Simeon
2. Ruben and Naphtali
3. Joseph and Benjamin
4. Judah and Dan

Who beat up a group of shepherds so the pretty girls could get the well water?  Remember: “Wells don’t kill people, hormonally-enhanced shepherds kill people.”

1. David
2. Joseph
3. Moses
4. Jacob

In what book is the verse, “Jesus wept” and who made him cry?  After all, there’s got to be a special circle in hell for the one who made Jesus cry.

1. Matthew, Peter
2. Mark, James
3. Luke, John
4. John, Mary

Which prophet got irritated at a group of young gangstas for calling him “baldy”, so called a bear to come and gore them?

1. Elisha
2. Elijah
3. Jeremiah
4. Obadiah

Jephthah, the son of a prostitute, vowed that he would sacrifice the first thing he saw when he came home.  What did he end up sacrificing?

1. His wife’s breasts
2. His daughter’s virginity
3. His son’s… um…
4. His Star Wars Action Figures had to be taken out of their boxes

What did the Levite chop into twelve pieces in order to send a message to the twelve tribes of Israel?

1. His oxen that he had just used to plow his field
2. Each of his toes, plus a couple fingers for good measure.
3. His wife’s raped body
4. None of the above

Who killed Ananias and Saphiarah in cold blood, in a closed room for lying to the Holy Spirit?  Extra credit: Which detective would you choose to solve the crime? (I’d choose Batman)

1. Peter
2. James
3. John
4. God

Dad Jokes for Father's Day

My son and I drove past a well-kept cemetery. I said, "I hear that people are dying to be buried here. But," I continued, "they won't let me be buried there."

He asked, "Why not?"

I said, "Because I'm not dead yet."

***

My wife is always wanting my help in cutting up the fruit salad. It's enough to make a mango crazy.

***

My daughter, when she was young, would play with my beard. She asked if my beard was itchy and hot. I replied, "At first I didn't want a beard. But then it grew on me."

***

When I was young, one of my teachers was concerned about my vision (rightly so!). One of the tests I took determined that I was a bit colorblind. When I found out about this I said, "Well, that certainly came out of the purple!"

***

My daughter always has fascinating dreams. It's a bad night when she doesn't have a creative dream to share the next day.

I was so jealous, I said, "Last night I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."

***

After I went to jail, my son asked if they took a mugshot.

"Actually, there's a new program in the jail. They let you take your own mugshot. They're called cellfies."

***

My daughter wanted to make some homemade ice cream.

I said, "Wait a minute. Have you ever gone to sundae school?"

What We Wouldn't Hear In An Early Anabaptist Meeting

I just spent the last weekend with my friends in the U.S. Pacific NW Mennonite Conference.  It was great, as usual.  In our worship time, we had four different cultures leading in worship: Anglo, Central African, Hispanic American and Anglo homeless.  The Spirit spoke to all of us in many ways.

At the same time, I was reading a biography of an Anabaptist forebear, Pilgram Marpack, which included some of the transcript of the final trial of Michael Sattler, in which he was condemned to death by fire.  I have also been thinking about the early Anabaptist worship services in which they would meet in the woods, worship, read the word and pray, not knowing if they would be caught, tortured and then killed by the local magistrates.  And I was thinking about how different our context is…

"Olly olly oxen free!"

Lines we would never hear in an early Anabaptist meeting.

“What do you mean, you forgot the guitar?  How can we lead worship?”

“If I don’t have my latte, I’ll never be able to preach.”

“Don’t you be criticizing the government, after all, Paul told us to submit!”

“Look at that.  Neighborhood kids broke a piece of the stained glass window.  Do you know how expensive that is to replace?”

"A little to the right, please"

“I’d like to minister to the homeless, but our insurance won’t let us.”

“Pastor, I don’t like this translation.  Can I read this from The Message?”

“There’s that woman.  I hope she doesn’t ask for food for her family again.”

“Must we always sing four part harmonies?  We need to buy a drum kit.”

 “If they come to attack my family, I have every right to fight back.”

“I don’t want to go to a church where they don’t have childcare.”

“Which hymnal for this song?”

Please add your own!